Recidivist
by Grisly Soap
Summary: A Cry of Fear x Katawa Shoujo crossover. Simon confesses his dark past to Hanako after he mistakenly gives her his journal. One-shot, rated M for language.


Simon gently rapped on the door leading to Hanako's room, slightly surprised to see it unlocked and opening with every knock. With a small push, Simon opened the door wide enough so his wheelchair could fit through it. He was relieved to see that Hanako was in her room, at her desk with an open book sitting in front of her. She must've been completely immersed in whatever story she was reading because she was completely oblivious to his presence. With one arm extended across the glossy wooden surface of her desk and the other supporting her forehead; he can imagine watching her amethyst eyes steadily sweeping across the pages. Each word helping to bring a scenario and the characters in it to life; whatever anxieties or problems she had in reality would be lost while she explored another.

A bitter smile crept on his face; he enjoyed seeing her like this, but couldn't help but feel envious of her. Back in the hospital, he tried to keep his mind off of his disability with things like reading, but it never worked. Every time he put down whatever book he was reading, a wave dread and hopelessness would hit him again. Needless to say it wasn't long until he stopped reading novels altogether.

Replacing his current smile with a less bitter one, Simon lightly wheeled himself over to her, "Hello, Hanako. I hope I'm not intrud…"

He trailed off as her head turned just enough to meet his gaze, it was then he noticed the tears streaming down her non-scarred cheek. Immediately concerned, Simon wheeled even closer until he was sitting right next to her, "Hanako, what's wrong?" She merely stared into his eyes. Under different circumstances, he would've thought about how unusual it was for her to be looking someone directly in the eye for so long. They never moved let alone stray towards the ground, they were completely fixed onto his.

The young man awaited an answer but quickly realized that she wasn't going to give him one. At a loss for what to say or do, Simon looked for clues amongst Hanako's desk. His eyes eventually fell onto the book Hanako was reading. A quick skimming of its pages were enough for Simon to recognize what it was that she was reading. His heart sank to dark depths. She was reading his journal. He must've gotten it confused with the book he meant to lend to her. A good amount of it was written in both English and Swedish so she probably couldn't understand any of his entries prior to when he started learning Japanese. But even then, the posts that were more recent and written in Japanese still held fragments of his horrid and bitter thoughts.

His first instinct was to be angry at her and scold her for reading its contents, but the only person he should've been angry at was himself. He let his head slightly drop before drawing in a deep, shuddering breath.

"You must think I'm really sick, huh?"

Hanako's lips quivered as if she wanted to speak, but she ultimately remained silent. This didn't bother Simon though; he wasn't really expecting an answer in the first place. Despite her lack of one, he continued speaking, "Sometimes I think that I just can't live this life anymore; that my paralyzed legs make me worthless, and I feel like anxiety and depression truly control my life, not me."

Simon carefully retrieved the open journal from next to his friend and held it in front of him. His thumbs tightly pinched the pages and covers against the rest of his fingers while he looked at their contents. He realized just how much he's about to confess to Hanako, and how crazy he'll probably sound for doing so. But, she already had an idea of how 'crazy' he was from reading his book; why not just air it all out now? With his eyes trained on his journal, Simon resumed, "Back home, in Sweden, my friends looked right past me, and even now my family dumped me here to so I'd be someone else's baggage. None of them want a cripple, especially one that would need their help."

A couple tears fell onto one of the pages and marred some of his writing a little; he was angry at himself for looking so vulnerable and weak in front of her. There was no way she was going to continue being friends with him after this. She'd end up just like Sophie and avoid him.

Nonetheless, he returned to his confession, "The surgeons told me that everything would be ok, they gave me hope." His face slowly contorted in rage, "They lied to me! They don't know what it feels like!" As Simon shouted, he slammed his book onto the floor of Hanako's room, startling her in the process. Suddenly, as if he exhausted all his pent-up rage, Simon fell against the back of his chair and made it roll a little. He recognized how loud such an action was and proceeded to tilt his head back and mask his face with his hands. The two sat in complete silence for several long minutes while Simon collected his thoughts.

After a short time, Simon dropped his hands and looked back at Hanako. Even from where he was sitting, he could see his reflection in her glossy and teary eyes. Looking into the window just in front of Hanako's desk, he briefly used its faint reflection as a sort of mirror. He made quick comparisons between how he looked currently now that he was at Yamaku and back when he was in Sweden. About a few months after he was released from the hospital, he was at the peak of his loneliness and despair. He hated life to the point that he actually regretted surviving the crash. He rarely ate, rarely got out of bed for anything other than to bathe; he stopped taking care of himself, he'd essentially checked out. His dark brown hair used to be rather long and disheveled and used to have a beard to compliment it. Using his index finger, Simon traced underneath his eye where dark bags used to reside. He'd made quite a big change since coming to Yamaku; that Simon must've looked ten years older than he actually was. At least now his hair was no longer shaggy and unkempt, he'd shaved his beard but still usually had a bit of stubble, and the bags were mostly gone.

A bitter chuckle escaped Simon's lips while his hand fell back onto his chair's armrest, "I was so fucked in the head. My mind was stuck in this never ending loop of anxiety and depression and I wanted out so bad... It didn't take too long until the doctors back home had given me antidepressants. At first, the pills helped me think clearly, but after a while they started to make me think that there was no one and nothing worth living for." Another bout of silence followed Simon's revelation, when he started unbuttoning the sleeves to his shirt. Hanako's face reverted back to its usual timid and tense expression as she watched him do this. "I thought I could I could handle my emotions: control them, contain them, prove the thought wrong, but in the end I was just too weak…" After carefully rolling up his sleeves, Simon silently turned his arm over to reveal the numerous ugly scars that covered it. Hanako's eyes grew to the size of saucers at the sight, "S-Simon…" Using her scarred hand, she carefully reached forward and skimmed her fingers along the lines of scar tissue. It wasn't just evidence of self-harm, it also served as the evidence of the intense anger and pain he once harbored.

After a few minutes passed, Hanako's hand departed and she spoke, "W-Why are you telling me all this, Simon?"

He looked up at Hanako as he heard the hint of anger behind her voice; she had an expression on her face that was completely new to Simon, it was one of both frustration and empathy. He guessed that she had no desire to hear such morbid details of her friend's past. "I-I know these are things you probably didn't want to hear, and I'm sorry. I really am. But I wanted to show you that I understand how you feel, maybe... maybe even more so..." Hanako's expression grew slightly more curious at Simon's last statement, "I started writing that book before I came here to Yamaku and Japan after my doctor, Doctor Purnell, had suggested that I give it a try. And it wasn't too long after I started writing in that journal that I started to cut myself too. At the time I felt like I was broken, defective, a bother to everyone around me. I felt like... I felt like a fucking freak."

Hanako's face tightens in consternation as he continued to speak, "And I still feel that way sometimes, but I-I think I'm doing much better now. I don't feel so sick anymore - I laugh and smile more than I ever have in my life and I think the reason is because I… I have friends like you and Lilly."

By now Hanako's face had lost all traces of anger and instead grew even more curious and flushed, "I honestly don't think I would've fared any better here if I hadn't met you two. So I guess the other reason I told you about my past, as fucked up as it is, is because I trust you, Hanako. A-and I understand if you never want to talk to me agai-"

Simon was cut short as Hanako swiftly leapt forward and wrapped her arms around him, "Th-thank you, Simon, thank you so much..." The Swedish teen was initially stunned by the gesture, but soon enough he returned it. For a moment in time, they were no longer 'broken', 'defective', or 'freaks' as they'd labeled themselves, but merely two friends sharing each other's joy.

* * *

**A/N: **_Well there it is, I thought about making this into an actual story, but decided to make it a one-shot as a sort of 'test run' so let me know if it's something you'd like to maybe see continue. I'd also just like to mention that this was sort of an exercise in writing and that a lot of Simon's confession was paraphrased and reorganized from the (**spoiler**) Cry of Fear ending notes. I mainly wrote this because I wanted to create a scene where two similarly damaged characters would react to one another. I don't remember which act it is in KS that Hisao tells Hanako his past, but I used that as a template and went from there. If I were to turn this into an actual story the quality would be much better and so would the dialogue. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed and please leave a review! _


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